how to impress a barmaid

I just want to say that the barmaids at Failte in Glasgow are the most pretty and comely barmaids in the whole of Scotland. I am now thinking of reasons to go there. I don't want to be constantly drinking in there and give them the impression that I am just an alcoholic bum in desperate need of a shave. Maybe I could go there again with a friend and then 'forget' my wallet or hat and have to go back and engage them in conversation but then they might think that I am an absentminded fool or a harmless eccentric, although of course there is some truth in that. I need to make the right impression. Maybe I should sit there pretending to read The Financial Times (but really with a copy of The beano inside) and stroke my beard in deep philosophical thought, nodding to myself now and again. Women are natural hero worshipers so maybe I could hire a stooge to rob the bar and then leap into action and save the day. Anyone fancy being a stooge to help an old pal impress a barmaid?

wrong end of the stick

Before playing 5-a-side football on Friday I overheard a bit of conversation. We were a player short and Anton was explaining to Pete why his friend decided to cancel. 'We were half way through our subway crawl and he just said "I can't play tonight."' I raised an eyebrow in puzzlement. I have heard of a pub crawl but this was new to me. I knew there was a chain of shops called Subway that sold baguettes and filled rolls,etc and my vivid imagination cooked up the idea (if you pardon the pun) that a subway crawl was people going from one Subway establishment to another, eating a baguette at each one. Apparently I am wrong. Glasgow has a subway system of 15 stops. A subway crawl is when you get off at each stop and drink a pint. I wonder how many have made it to 15 pints. I don't think I'll be trying either version of a subway crawl.

Why me, Lord?

I was quietly minding my own business in the basement of Border's bookstore drawing in my sketch book. A tap on the shoulder. 'That's very good.' An eldery woman, well dressed with short silvery hair, stood by my side. She started to talk to me. And talk. And talk. It was a one way conversation that flowed incessantly. I smiled politely and nodded, faining interest. This only encouraged her and after about 15 minutes I was beginning to wilt like a flower in intense heat. She talked about art and then somehow this developed onto a different subject and so on. She kept saying 'I better leave you in peace and go' but she just started off again. I can't remember half of what she said, I tuned her out after about 20 minutes, my eyes gazing over, but I still automatically nodded and smiled. Fatal mistake. And then she really pissed me off. She asked me if I stayed at home and I said 'yes' and she started to go on about how this was not a good idea at my age and that mother should not be pampering me or words to that effect. This is ignorance at it's worse, knowing nothing about my background, character or situation. She also said that I was interesting, when surprised me because I had not said a thing apart from the occassional 'mmm' and 'I see'. I was 'interesting' to her because I was willing to listen to her. I get that a lot. I think some people just like me because I am willing to listen to their crap. Eventually she let go of me and wandered off. I breathed a sigh of relief. It had been a draining experience and I was glad to get her off my back. Standing up to stretch my limbs I noticed some nice mugs for sale a few feet away. I was about to step across to look at them when a dithering old woman stood right in front of me, blocking my way. She just stood there, with a stupid look on her face, like she didn't know what to do. This was the last thing I needed. Although I'm a wrestling fan I am generally not a violent person but right now I really wanted to clothes-line this old grannie, smack her with a steel chair and finish her off with a suplex slam. Just as I was looking for a baseball bat she finally decided to shuffled forward and I decided to spare her life. So these two experiences have not endeared me to the weaker sex. What can we men do about ignorant, blabbermouths and dithering old women who get in your way? I don't have the answer but I hope for their sake somebody tells me soon before I strangle one of them.