Our hidden lives

A passage from the excellent BBC dramatization of George Eliot's 'Middlemarch'. Judi Dench is the voice of the narrator. Dorothea is one of the main characters. She has great hopes of intellectual advancement and helping her fellow man. But...

"And Dorothea. She had no dreams of being praised above other women, feeling that there was always something better which she might have done, if she had only been better and known better. Her full nature spent itself in deeds which left no great name on the earth, but the effect of her being on those around her was incalcuable. For the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts and on all those Dorothea's who live faithfully their hidden lives and rest in unvisited tombs."

This is not just a beautifully written conclusion to a great story but it hits home at the very heart of the experience of the vast majority of the ordinary human beings who 'live faithfully their hidden lives'. I can strongly identify with Dorothea's aspirations and her disappointments all too well. Not many of us will get the chance to achieve a great historic act that will reverberate down through history. If we are sincere in our good acts then we should not worry about that but there is always something in us that wants to achieve more for the greater good of the world, or at least in my case sometimes for the good of my own ego. We all suffer the frustration and pain of being largely futile in the face of the injustices and suffering that we witness on tv or read in the newspaper or pass in the street. We do what little we can but for the large part we just have to accept the way of the world. It is something I have personally found difficult to accept and I've had to learn not to take the burden of the world on my shoulders. To quote Mother Theresa: "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." You don't have to be religious to appreciate the wisdom and truth of those words. They are relevant in the psychological realm as well as the spiritual. The effect of Dorothea's 'being' on her neighbours and friends cannot be underestimated. I know many ordinary people who are loving and caring and kind, and I am blessed by this and it gives me strength and hope. To quote this time Tolstoy: "Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself." How true. How I wish our politicans would take these words to heart. I hope that I too may have the courage and humility to live faithfully my hidden life with love and integrity, just like Dorothea. So, when you meet me the next time, don't call me Michael, just call me Dorothea.

Top Ten Celebrity Crush List 2010

1. Winona Ryder (beautiful eyes)
2. Eliza Doolittle (the best pair of legs in music)
3. Gemma Arterton (sadly now married)
4. Shakira (her hips drive me crazy)
5. Eva Green (still single so I'm in with a chance)
6. Uma Thurman (she's too tall so in reality a relationship is unlikely)
7. Penny from The Big Bang Theory (she's the only reason I watch the show)
8. Zheng Ziyi (a Chinese Natalie Portman)
9. Emily Blunt (marry me Emily!)
10. Rose Byrne (brains and beauty, a winning combination)

A knock at the door

I’m sitting in front of the tv in a stupor. There’s a knock at the door. It must be Toni and Cody looking for my mum. As I pass the kitchen my mum mouths ‘I’m not in’. She’s tired. I open the door to reveal the two girls. Cody is taller with dusky red hair and a few teeth missing. Toni has long dark blonde hair and it swirls around her slender neck. Dirt is smeared around her pretty face. She has a twinkle in her eye.
‘Can we speak to Nancy?’
‘My mum’s actually busy just now doing the dishes. Maybe tomorrow.’
‘We’ve finished our dinner.’
‘Have you? That’s great’
‘We ate all of it.’
‘Did you? What did you eat?’
‘Fish cakes,’ says Cody, ‘with loads of chips.’
‘What did you have?’ I ask Toni.
‘The same. I was at her place. Maybe next week I can go again. Or have a sleepover.’
‘She doesn’t live here,’ says Cody.
‘Where do you live Toni?’
She thinks for a moment.
‘What part of Glasgow?’ I add, trying to help.
‘Cambuslang.’
‘Who do you stay with?’
‘Em, my mum, my aunt, my big brother, my two wee brothers,’ all in one breath.
‘That’s a lot of people in one house,’ I observe.
‘I have just four,’ says Cody. ’My mum, my dad, Reece and my dog.’
‘Your dog is not family,’ corrects Toni.
‘Well,’ I interpose, ‘for some people a pet is like a member of the family. Like our tiger.’
I turn slightly and nod in the direction of a large fluffy tiger sitting at the back of the hallway. They strain their necks to look. Somebody had given it to my sister but she thought it was kitsch and was going to throw it out. My mum took a liking to it and gave the tiger a home. It has guarded over us ever since. We named him Tony.
They both grin in amusement.
‘That?’
‘Yeah, sure. He’s part of our family. I talk to him at night when he comes alive.’
‘No he doesn’t.’
‘He does, I swear.’
Toni cocks her head sideways.
‘Can we have a sticker?’
I hesitate for a moment but I already know the answer. I’m soft hearted when it comes to children.
‘Sure. Just a minute.’
I edge into the kitchen where my mum is sitting on a stool, a cup of tea in her hands.
‘Where are the stickers?’ I whisper.
‘In Christina’s room, on top of the pink box.’
I search the room and find them.
‘Can we have three?’ asks Cody, as I hand them over.
‘Yeah.’
They inspect the selection. After a few moments Toni chooses a pink ‘Good Girl’ sticker and attaches it to her white T-shirt. Cody is undecided. Earlier on they had turned up at our doorstep and announced to my mum that they had tidied up Toni’s garden and picked up all the litter. They were rewared with stickers and now they were back for more. Cody fiddles with the stickers. She is thinking something over.
‘Can we give the tiger a sticker?’
I drag the tiger to the door and she places a star on his nose.
‘Pick some for yourself,’ I suggest.
They ponder for a few minutes, taking their time to choose.
‘Okay girls,’ as I gently take the stickers back, ‘I have got some work to do.’
I put a hand on the edge of the door but they still stand there.
Toni opens her arms out.
‘A cuddle?’
I smile, touched.
I reach down and give her a hug. She is so small and fragile. I hesitate and then reach over to Cody and give her a quick hug.
I feel a warm glow inside.
‘Okay, girls,’ closing the door slowly, ‘take care.’
‘Bye!’ they chime.
I close the door with a smile on my face.

My Son My Son What Have Ye Done

Directed by Werner Herzog and produced by David Lynch this film is an uncompromising and disturbing study of one man's descent into a madness which results in him killing his mother. Willem Dafoe and Michael Pena are the cops who arrive at the murder scene but the situation becomes more immediate when the killer, played brilliantly by Brad Dourif, barracades himself in his house and claims to have two hostages. As the two cops interview his fiance and close friend the narrative of the killers increasingly unstable mental state unfolds in flashbacks. The fact that what unhinges the killer is never really crystal clear is probably a deliberate choice, as the madness of the subject is usually incomprehensible to the outsider. Although there is no explicit sex or violence the flashbacks are very strange, offbeat and disturbing in their content and tone. It's hard to explain, but the way his insanity is portrayed really gets under your skin. Much of what he does and says throughout the film makes no sense, or maybe I just did not understand the reasons for his behavour. I guess this is the whole point about the nature of madness, there are no clear cut questions and answers, but a strange muddled mixture of experiences and conversations that are very dark and unattainable. The music and unconventional cinematography play a large role and are very effective in creating atmosphere and mood. The cast is very strong but it is Brad Dourif as the insane killer who steals the show. He is utterly convincing. The ending is a bit obvious and anti-climatic but it's not the sort of film that would go down the route of an exciting, Hollywood climax, so in a sense the film is true to itself. 7/10

Pope's visit

Unfortunately I was unwell and could not attend the papal mass. I was very disappointed personally but I was glad that everything, the mass, the crowd turnout and atmosphere, etc, seemed to be great. The media coverage was actually very positive the following day. The Pope seemed to enjoy it very much and I think he was touched by the warm and welcoming response of the Scottish people, both in Edinburgh and Glasgow. There was a few pathetic bampots who held up a 'No surrender' flag and Union Jack at a bridge overlooking the M8. Ian Paisley and a few other anti-Catholic nutters held a small protest, although not all those critical of the Pope and the Catholic Church are nutters. Ultimately Ian Paisley and his mob were far outnumbered by those glad to see the Holy Father. So I think the country will definitely be blessed in some way. How, I'm not sure, maybe in many ways that we will never know if this life. Maybe it will bring some lapsed Catholics back to their faith or renew the faith of lukewarm Catholics. The Pope was gracious and warm but he was not afraid the preach the gospel and encourage religious belief and practise. I think he got a very good balance. He praised Britain as a 'force for good', trying to recognise the democracy we enjoy and have fought for, but he also warned the young people against the evils of drink, drugs and sex (ie, promiscuity). Today, in London, he meet with representitives from the Church of England in a show of Christian unity, so I was glad to see them all pulling together in an ecumenical spirit. We have a common enemy, in the form of relativism and secularism. I think he'll have to pace himself physically over the next two days. He's 83 and does not have the same energy of John Paul 2 when he visited about 30 years ago. He does not have the same charisma and confidence of JP2 but I think he has his own gifts and qualities that have come through very strongly so far. Maybe some Catholics were hoping for a more reforming and charismatic pope but I think we should be grateful for Joe, he's a really good man and a very worthy pope.

These are just a few thoughts of an ordinary Catholic guy.

Mark Nelson and Rhod Gilbert at the Edinburgh Festival

This was my fourth and final visit to this years Edinburgh Festival. On Thursday I had gone through myself to see the legendary singer-songwriter Bert Jansch in concert. He was great. It was just a privilege to see him play live, he is such an amazing guitarist. I hope he plays again next year. It was also good just to see something other than comedy at the Festival. On Saturday myself, Tony and Alan arrived in Edinburgh about 5PM, leaving us enough time to find the Underbelly in Cowgate and have a quick pint before the Mark Nelson gig. We had seen Mark Nelson before not so long ago, so some of his material we had already heard. He's a decent comedian, with good obversational skills and comic delivery. He is much in the same mould as Kevin Bridges but not quite in his class. Still I quite enjoyed the set and I would probably be happy to see him again in the future. Some strong language and a bit crude at times but nothing too bad. Our next destination was the EICC, with a quick chippy dinner along the way. It was me who suggested that we see the likable Welsh comedian Rhod Gibert so I felt the burden of responsibility rest on my shoulders as we took our seats in one of the EICC's main auditoriums. His set was basically one long very amusing rant. He delivered it with great energy and enthusiasm, and at times it almost took on the feeling of a theatrical piece. Maybe he should try his hand at acting because even though it was supposed to be comedy I was strangely moved at times and got emotionally caught up in his dramatic monologues. He was funny as well, in a kind of crazy way. We managed another pint at the Waverly before taking the bus back to Glasgow. It has been another successful Festival experience. Some acts were better than others, but on the whole I've enjoyed it and I look forward to next year. Bert Jansch 10/10 Mark Nelson 6/10 Rhod Gilbert 7/10

Tim Vine and Fred MacAulay at the Edinburgh Festival

Tony could not make it this week because he was already committed to the stag weekend from hell. His future brother-in-law and some other guys he had never met before were headed for Blackpool (?) and a 'hotel' that specifically catered to suit the needs of stag weekends. Alan and I just hoped that we would see our friend alive again. At the very least a new kidney would be required. An old school friend had said he would take Tony's place but unfortunately he pulled out on the day so it was just Alan and I on the bus through to Edinburgh. We arrived in the pouring rain and battled our way to the Pleasance courtyard for the Tim Vine gig. After a couple of pints sheltered under a canopy we headed out into the rain to find the venue. We were met with a cue the size of Eisteins IQ. It gives you an idea of Tim Vine's popularity. I don't know why the organisers thought it necessary to make us wait out in the pouring rain but at least the rain drops filling my half full pint glass made the pint last longer. Tim Vine's show was called the Joke-amotive and gives you some idea of the style and content of his humour. His jokes are rapid one liners, often using puns and word play. He currently holds the world record for the most number of jokes in a hour (499). He delivers his jokes very well, with great energy and comic timing. Even just to remember that amount of material is in itself very impressive. One of his jokes won an award as 'best joke of the festival'. The joke was 'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.' That is a typical Tim Vine joke. He also used a lot of props in his routine. One of my favorites is when he held up a sign which read 'BNAG' and he quipped 'Now that's BANG out of order!' I really enjoyed his show. Yes it was corny but it was very clever and it made me laugh. Good clean wholesome fun. In true festival spirit our next stop was the pub, full of interesting characters, and then a quick stop at McDonalds. I bet the pubs and restaurants do cracking business during the festival. We arrived at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre (EICC) just in time for the Fred MacAulay show. Fred MacAulay is best known as a radio presenter who occasionally does stand up from time to time. On the basis of the show I think he should stick to the radio. On the radio he is genuinely likeable and witty, but as a stand up comedian he was very average. His humour is best expressed when he has someone to play off, like a guest on his radio show. He was also quite crude and foul mouthed at times which I didn't like. Maybe he was trying to cast off his clean cut radio presenter mould and prove that he could mingle with other stand ups. I just felt that the bad language was forced and it did not make his material any funnier. Other comedians can get away with it, like Billy Connolly, but not Fred. So it was a mixed day at the Festival. I enjoyed Tim Vine, the beer, the beautiful babes, Alan's company and the atmosphere but I was disappointed in Fred MacAulay and the rain. 'Ach well!' as a philosophical Scotsman would say. Tim Vine 8/10 Fred MacAulay 5/10